What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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