Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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