On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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