SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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