I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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