i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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