I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My cat gives me a boner
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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