Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
