Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
