I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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