I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
