Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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