The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
