My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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