thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
