got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
