fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
