I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
