I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
