just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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