I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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