Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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