Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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