you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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