i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
