I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
