You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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