No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
