and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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