I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
