I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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