I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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