I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
