Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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