We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
