Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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