At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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