if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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