whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
