If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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