I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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