I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
