just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
