I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
