Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
