hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
