He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
