i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
