I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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