i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
